After gallivanting in the woods, picking flowers and the like, Snow White comes across across seven dwarves.
“Come be our maid! We’ll look after you!” they cry.
“Fuck off,” she replies.
At the touch of his lips, Aurora awoke suddenly. “Hello! I said, ‘I’M SLEEPING!’”
Turns out sleeping doesn’t equate to consent, Prince Phillip.
“Erm, can you give me back my fucking shoe?” said Cinderella. The prince stepped back, astonished. No one had ever turned him down before.
“Erm, can you give me back my fucking shoe?” said Cinderella. The prince stepped back, astonished. No one had ever turned him down before.
Ariel sat next to the prince and took a deep sigh.
“So, look, I’m not giving up my voice,” she said.
“But why?” he asked, confused. “We could have a happy life together. You, me, and your silence.”
Ariel raised her eyebrows: “Do you see me?! I’m a motherfucking mermaid! I don’t need you!”
Tiana looked longingly from her balcony, thinking of all the money she’d made from her fabulously successful restaurant. Suddenly, her dreams of success were interrupted by a frog, who hopped on to the balcony to join her.
Frog: Kiss me!
Tiana: No.
Frog: I said, kiss me!
Tiana: No.
Frog: KISS ME!
Tiana: *flicks frog off balcony* Idiot.
“Hold it up high, honey,” said Megara. She mumbled quietly: “‘Cause I sure won’t.”
“Wait, if you’re not marrying me, then where the hell are we going, Jasmine?” asked Aladdin.
“To a mystical land where women get to choose when and who they marry, and men have absolutely nothing to do with it,” said Jasmine.
“Oh…” replied Aladdin, disappointedly. “That doesn’t sounds like fun to me.”
“Tough shit, Al, button up and enjoy the ride.”
“Mulan! Mulan!” cried Mushu. “We’re in great danger! Only a man can save us!”
“I can do it!” said Mulan, confidently.
“No, they need a man!” Mushu replied. “Here’s a great idea – maybe you should dress up as a man! Then everybody wins!”
Mulan fell silent and began to slowly pack up her clothes.
“M-Mulan?” said Mushu. “Where are you going? We can’t do this without you!”
“Exactly,” said Mulan. “RIP you.”
“What are they all looking at, mama?” asked Nala.
“They’re worshipping the penis, darling,” answered her mother.
“Is that why we have little to no screen time, barely any narrative significance, and shit-all to say?”
“Yes, sweetheart. Yes.”
